i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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