Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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