Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
