if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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