Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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