there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
