her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
