I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
