Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
