i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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