Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
