So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
