He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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