SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
