Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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