just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
No more Irish car bombs ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
