everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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