Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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