She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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