I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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