True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
