everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
