I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
