we have officially lost it.
I bet he comes in French.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
