I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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