Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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