I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
