Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
