I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
