I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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