Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
