Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
