The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
