I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
