i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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