so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
