Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
