also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
