Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
