If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
