If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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