so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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