so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
