Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
