I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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