I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
we're so committed to being not committed
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
