third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
