"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
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ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
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The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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