Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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