He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I need to align my fucking chakras
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
