I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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