Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
