I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
