the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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