I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
