so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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